Echoes of the Void
by Voyfemme
Summary: Summary: As the crew enters this empty region of space, Captain Janeway comes face to face with the decisions that she made four years ago. Can Chakotay shake her out of her funk before she goes over the brink? JC
1. Chapter 1

**Part 11: Echoes of the Void**

Summary:

As the crew enters this empty region of space, Captain Janeway comes face to face with the decisions that she made four years ago. Can Chakotay shake her out of her funk before she goes over the brink? (J/C)

_Pairing:_J/C _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Reflective _Level_: 3

**Part 11: Echoes of the Void

* * *

**

**i. Evening**

"Seven of Nine to the Captain"

Kathryn looked up from reading her reports in her Ready Room with the activation of the ship's Com system.

"Janeway here."

"Please report to Astrometrics. There is a region of space that we are fast approaching that you should be aware of."

Kathryn smiled ruefully. She wondered if Seven would ever learn to request her presence without making it sound like a summons.

"I'm on my way."

* * *

"How large?"

"It's difficult to say Captain, but by my estimate this region of sparsely populated space spans at least 104 light years ahead, and approximately 50,000 light years across."

"Well so much for going around this time. We're going to have to go through again. Let's hope that we won't meet any unfriendly aliens this time."

"With the average distance between star systems being 25 light years, it seems unlikely."

Kathryn smiled ruefully at Seven's comment. The former drone did not have time to see her expression as she was too busy working at the consul in front of the Astrometrics display. Kathryn asked another question.

"Is there a reason why the sensors can only scan the first 104 light years."

"The sensors are picking up heavy concentrations of some type of phenomena at that point. The data being recorded is contradictory. We will not be able to know anything more until we get to that point."

"Noted. Well Seven I think that we are in for a bit of smooth sailing. It's a welcome change after the previous year, wouldn't you say?"

"Maybe, but given what I have observed of this crew it is more likely that they will be bored with the sense of order that travelling through this region of space would require."

"Don't worry Seven, we'll adapt." And with that Kathryn left Astrometrics.

* * *

"We can't see beyond 104 light years and it's possible at that time we may re-enter normal space, but until that time, it looks like we'll be going it alone, with very few places to replenish our supplies."

Kathryn stood at the head of the conference table in the briefing room together with the senior staff, Seven of Nine, the Doctor and Neelix for the weekly briefing.

"Neelix how's our food supplies?" She directed her question to the Talaxian who was on her left.

"No problem captain, we should be fine for another year once we have enough energy to maintain our current quota of replicator rations." He answered proudly. Neelix knew that most of the time, the crew grumbled about the amount of resources that he demanded for his kitchen on trading missions. But they didn't realize how much time he spent using as little of those resources as he needed to. He did so that in the event that occasions such as these arose, they could have enough food to survive comfortably. It gave him great pleasure to be this prepared in front of the bridge crew.

"If we don't re-fuel somewhere along the way, we are going to be running out by the time we get to that boundary." B'Elanna said frowning as she inspected the energy reserves list on her PADD.

"Sensor scans did indicate a planetoid rich in deuterium in our path, perhaps we can stop there and replenish our supplies." Seven pointed out

"Noted. Relay the data to the bridge and Tom set a course as soon as we're done here."

"Yes Captain."

"During this time, I think it would be prudent if we can engage the crew in some extra training."

"Planning to make the security details run through extra hoops again eh Tuvok?" Tom sat upright in his chair with a smirk on his face at the suggestion of the Security Chief.

"Those "extra hoops" as call them, are necessary so that the security on this ship would not be compromised as we pass through this quadrant. I try to update the security protocols periodically with the new knowledge that we have gained during our journey, however I must admit that with all of the events of the pass few months I have been derelict in my duty."

"Oh no, not you Tuvok." Tom said with a look of mock horror on his face. Beside him, Harry began to chuckle silently.

"However," Tuvok seemed to ignore the last comment that was made by Tom. "Since we will seem to have the time, I would like to propose extra training sessions for all crewmembers, _including _the bridge crew." Tuvok turned his gaze away from the Captain and focused on Tom and Harry. Tom had a genuine look of distress on his face as he answered hastily.

"You know Captain, now would be a great time to give a few key systems a complete overhaul, like the Com. systems and navigation." He gave a desperate glance to the Captain.

Kathryn smiled at both of them. Sometimes Tom was so predictable and he continued to underestimate the Vulcan's desire, if you could call it that, to get even for some of pranks that he had played on him.

"It would seem that we are going to have the time to do both, but because this area of space is sparsely populated, I'm going to recommend that we start with overhauling the ship's systems first. B'Elanna as chief engineer, you'll head this, submit a schedule to Commander Chakotay and he'll allot you the personnel that you need."

The Chief Engineer nodded curtly.

"If there is nothing else?" Kathryn looked round the table. The other officers were silent. "Dismissed"

"Nice try" Tom said to Tuvok softly as they filed out of the room. Tuvok looked a picture of innocence.

"Well you have to admit, he almost had you there, Tom." Harry said clasping him on the back.

"Close but no cigar."

"What's a cigar?" Harry asked puzzled.

They existed. Chakotay remained in his seat already working on re-arranging personnel to help B'Elanna with the overhaul of the ship's systems, using his PADD. He looked up after a moment when he realized that Kathryn hadn't left also. She was rubbing her neck and he realized that she looked quite haggard.

"Stayed up late working again?"

Kathryn gave a small yawn. "Yes. I had some reports that I hadn't been able to get to in the past couple of days. In fact I'm still not finished. But it doesn't look like I'll have to work late anymore to get my reports finished."

Chakotay smiled. "Are you sure you can handle that Kathryn?"

"It'll be tough, but I'm sure that I can find something else to do in my spare time." Kathryn was making her way to the door. Chakotay got up to follow her, planning to return to his office.

"Join me for dinner tonight." Kathryn impulsively asked Chakotay. She didn't know why, but the thought of spending the night alone in her quarters without doing any work, was making her uneasy.

"Planning on learning on how to cook?" Chakotay teased.

"I don't have _that_ much spare time. My treat, your replicator or mine?"

"Well since you are using _your_ rations, we can you use mine."

"Think of it Chakotay, it can be the start of the vacation that we have needed all year." She grinned as she clasped his shoulder momentarily and then went into her ready room as he got into the turbo lift to go to his office.

Evening ends…….


	2. Chapter 2

**ii: Dusk**

Falls:

How did it come to this? There was absolutely nothing to do, but think. Kathryn stood inside of her Ready room looking at the viewport.

'_Some viewport_,' She mused, '_It looks like someone painted the glass black'_ She glanced at her uniform and then back at the view port, _'Even my pants look grey compared to the space here'_

Kathryn concentrated. _'I can feel the hum of the engines, we are moving but I feel like we've been stopped ever since we've been here'_

'_Here, where Kathryn? This region of space or the Delta Quadrant?'_

Where indeed?

She was going to replicate a book a couple of days ago, but she was tired reading. She had personally gone through every report for every ship system for the past year, to see if there was something that needed doing that she missed. But her crew was as bored as she, and had found every maintenance task that had been postponed to a later date and had done it. They had found every ship system that had not been operating at peak efficiency and had corrected the problem. Some of the systems had not been operating that well since they left space dock, and some were operating past peak efficiency.

She looked around at her ready room. It was cluttered. Paintings started weeks ago were strewn about discarded. Tennis racket and ball, from the last time she played a match with Chakotay, lay in a corner half-hazardly. She had also started working on Prixin gifts for some of the crew doing needlepoint, half finished lay on the couch. She was even so bored that she had tried to teach herself how to replicate. But Kathryn really hated to cook and even in her boredom, she could not overcome that.

On her work desk were two piles of PADDs. One contained status reports that all said the same thing and the other, contained details of projects. Projects that she had wanted to start, but couldn't because they could not afford to waste energy once they had passed that planet and restocked their deuterium. She had tried to continue them in theory, but they needed actual test runs at this stage. So she left them.

It seemed that every activity that she started within the last month lay discarded in the Ready Room

Finally a week ago while trying to find a reference she hit an activity that she actually finished in this region of space. She re-read all of her personal log entries and her captain's log entries. She didn't know why, but she just fell compelled to do it, even after she found what she had been looking for. The one thing that she finished doing ever since they began this 'vacation' in the Delta Quadrant was the one thing that she wished she hadn't because it lead her to what she was feeling right now.

'_Admit it Kathryn, you're depressed'_

She chased that thought away. Because if she was depressed, it was her own fault.. What were they doing here in the first place? Why _was she _facing this dark desolate region of space instead of being a happily married woman, possibly giving birth to her first child at this time?

'_Our mission was not supposed to end this way, but I feel that it was a success beyond our wildest dreams. The crew of Voyager is alive and well and we have gathered enough information in this Quadrant to keep the Federation busy for years.'_

Words written a year ago. Now it seemed as if those words were written by a woman who didn't know the exact nature of her own predicament. It seemed as if it hadn't hit then, how far away they were. No it wasn't that, it was the fact that all the aliens they encountered seemed friendly enough, and if they were unfriendly, then they were easily side stepped. And then it happened,….they entered Borg Space.

Of all the entries to re-read that was the most difficult and the none with probably the most lasting consequences. On the crew, on the ship, on her first officer and on her. It had taken so long for them to come to terms with how they turned away from each other during that time. Seven aside, there seemed that nothing good came out of that time. Friendly territory seemed to have never been found, they lost Kes and the crew seemed to come out of every encounter with a little less hope than they came in with. The fourth year wore them down and it seemed that the last vestiges of her crew's strength was being sapped by this place.

_If only we were still able to be in contact with Starfleet, that would make this passage a little easier, but that was the worst blow of the whole year, getting in touch with the Alpha Quadrant and then losing that connection. Some people don't even have the comfort of one letter to get then through this time. And it gave me the worst news of my life_

Kathryn knew that she was lying, there was a time when she witnessed the worst event of her life, and now, thanks to that fatal decision she made four years ago, history was repeating itself. Now it was squarely her fault that she and Mark weren't married at this time. Had she used the caretaker's technology…..

But she had destroyed it.

_And then that little incident introduced us to the concept of Hirogen Hunting parties. How many people did we lose because of them? How much time did we waste avoiding them? And now here we are in this desolate region of space._

To Kathryn it seemed like the perfect end to the worst year of their stay in the Delta Quadrant. How long ago was it that she was talking to Chakotay and he had said that given the fact that the year began with a species more powerful than the Borg, what could they expect? It seemed like an eternity.

At the thought of the Borg and Species 8472 conflict, Kathryn's thoughts made her face darken.

_Species 8472, at least the Borg didn't eradicate them, but then Artumus people are not exactly too pleased with how things turned out, it seems that Chakotay was right, we helped the Borg assimilate one more species and I guess how many other species that they have assimilated since that date. Add that to the list of things that I might have to answer for when I get back…if I ever get back._

That was one of the things that really struck her in re-reading her logs. There was never a doubt that they would get back in any of them. There was a doubt now, in fact there were lots of doubts. And it seemed that every day she got out of bed that it weighed her down and the burden got heavier and heavier until this morning, she barely made it to her duty shifts

She was on the Bridge by sheer will power alone. She was supposed to be on rounds right now. She had given up on that two days ago. It was too hard, looking at her crew, looking at their frustration at being stuck here. If only there was some way that she could make it up to them. But Kathryn knew that the only way to do that would be to get them home tomorrow and she knew that she couldn't do that. It was her fault, they were stranded here. If Chakotay were in Command, or even Tuvok, her crew would be home back now, but they were not, thanks to her. She couldn't face them now, with nothing to offer, with no way to shorten their trip through the Void, so she had sent Chakotay.

The chime sounded.

"Come." The command was soft and the computer asked her to repeat it in order to comply

It was an effort for her to raise her voice so that the Computer could comply with her wishes.

Chakotay entered and stopped short. He hadn't been in the Ready Room for about a week and could not believe that the Captain had let it get to this.

"You know Kathryn, you do have time now, you can clean up in here."

Kathryn was silent and her face was blank

"It was a joke Kathryn" he made an attempt to smile, and he knew that for all the effort he was putting in, it was not coming out naturally.

"Or at least it was trying to be." He stopped forcing a smile. In the mood that the Captain was in, it was not worth it.

"Do you want this report given verbally or will you make the effort to read it. I don't want to add it to the pile of PADDs over there." Chakotay snapped as he pointed to her desk, where they were piled. The status reports from the previous week were there including the ones that gave a report on the condition of the crew during two days of walking around for the Captain. He noticed that they were untouched.

It seemed to him that the Captain didn't care if he had spoken to her cordially or if he had yelled at her, she just answered.

"Why would I need to read them?" Kathryn said wearily, and seeing the concern in his face turned from him and faced the blackness of the view screen which matched the blackness of her enthusiasm and the chasm in her soul at that precise moment.

"They haven't changed," she continued. "All systems are operating under peak conditions. Sensors have not been able to pick up anything in this region and we are continuing on course and the crew is restless and frustrated with having nothing different to deal with."

Chakotay was silent for a time and then came up behind her and said softly. "Kathryn, I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap at you. I guess I'm a little frustrated too."

"It's OK Chakotay," Kathryn had said it softly, but there was no intonation in her voice.

"Want to join me for dinner in the mess hall? Neelix is preparing a special buffet, he thought that it might cheer the crew up somewhat"

While he was asking her the question, he had touched her on her shoulder, hoping that she would turn around, but she didn't and in fact, she did nothing to indicate that she had even felt his presence at her side. Chakotay had to peer into the viewport to see her face and when he did alarm bells began to go off into his head. The woman standing in front of him had no expression. He didn't think that he had ever seen Kathryn with no expression on her face. Everything that she thought and felt used to be there for him to see

He shook her gently, "Kathryn?" Finally she turned and he thought that he could see something in her eyes, but it was gone in a flash.

"You go ahead Commander, I think I'll retire early to my Quarters."

Chakotay frowned a little and then gave her a sad smile, "Neelix would be disappointed and so will the rest of the crew, and it's been a long time since they've seen you"

"Please make my apologies Commander." With that Kathryn left the ready room leaving Chakotay frowning behind her.

* * *

_Bee Boop_

Again, she ignored it. But she knew that he would be persistent and that she would have to deal with him.

"Computer, who is at the door?"

"Commander Chakotay"

"Janeway to Chakotay, what is it?"

"Captain are you alright?"

"Yes"

"May I come in please I'd like to see that for myself?"

Kathryn debated. He could summon the Doctor and open the door on a medical emergency and she didn't want the Doctor to see her in that state, he might relieve her of duty. In the end with a deep sigh and an annoyed look on her face, she got up and went towards the door of her quarters and opened it

"Yes." Her voice was unfriendly. She met Chakotay's concerned look with her cold stare

"Captain what's the meaning of this?" Chakotay was holding up the PADD of instructions that she had left for him in his office.

"It's exactly what it says. I'm not going to be going to the bridge until I'm needed. I have some things I need to catch up on in here."

"I thought you were doing that in your Ready Room?"

"Commander, this ship might be small, but I'd like to think I can still get some measure of privacy on it. I think that I have a competent enough staff, that I can run this ship from anywhere on it I chose, is that understood?"

Chakotay reacted as if he had been slapped and Kathryn, for her part, did not react at all. Seeing this, it angered Chakotay even more and he said silently.

"Understood." Abruptly he wheeled on his heel and left her quarters.

Kathryn closed the door behind him unperturbed. She undressed and got back into her pajamas. Chakotay was mad at her, but would get over it, and if he didn't, it may be best. She had damaged him enough by stranding him here in the Delta Quadrant. Pushing him away now would mean that he could deal with the crew without worrying about her. He'd leave her to her own devices.

She went back to bed. As she settled in to drift off into sweet oblivion, she looked at the viewport again,

How was it possible that it had been that black all the time? If the ancients were here they may have called this region the black of night. And she knew it mirrored the blackness in her soul. At first it didn't seem that way to her, it was just dark here. There was light at the end of the region in normal space. But now she was beginning to think that they would never get out of here and with her pushing Chakotay away, she felt as though she had extinguished the one light in her soul and so

Dusk fell,

And it is now….


	3. Chapter 3

**iii Night**

_What do you think you're doing that array is the only way we have of getting home?_

_I'm aware that everyone has loved ones they want to get back to, and frankly so do I, but I'm not willing to trade the lives of the Ocampa for our convenience, we'll just have to find another way home_

_What other way home is there? Who is she to be making these decisions for all of us?_

_She is the Captain_

_Well Chakotay aren't you glad you made that perfectly clear to us in the beginning?_

_I never regretted anything more in my life._

_A couple more months in that rehab colony wouldn't have been that bad. Right now I would have been home, doing something with my life_

_We should have been there Chakotay, we would have been there to save them or to die with them if she hadn't stranded us here._

_Blame me, I yielded my authority to her_

_My children occupy a significant portion of my thoughts at this time_

_It is unfortunate that I should be so far away from them now_

_I'll get you back home to them Tuvok_

_You lied Captain, you are not capable. _

_I cautioned you about destroying the array, you did not listen_

_All my dreams, my hopes of being a Starfleet Officer in the Alpha Quadrant, of making Lieutenant in three years , of getting married…..gone because of your selfishness…..What about us, what about our lives? Didn't you think about that before you made your decision?_

_Federation Rules……Federation Nobility…..Federation Compassion?_

_Do you understand, if this had been a Cardassian Vessel, we would have been home by now_

_You are a fool Captain and you are even a bigger fool to follow her_

_I can't believe how I ever loved you_

_Computer, command XJL_

_Wait, yes Seska, I was a fool, _

_Take me with you_

_I thought that your advanced technology meant that you were wiser than the people who were indigenous to this Quadrant, but I was wrong, only a fool would willingly strand themselves 70,000 light years away from their home with no way of getting back for strangers who will be defeated in five years anyway. Why did I ever come along on this journey. I lost my lover, I lost my home as I will never make it back there, and I don't know if I'll ever fit into this new home……_

……_If we ever get back_

_Captain Kathryn Janeway, while it was a noble gesture to strand your crew in the Delta Quadrant in order to save the Ocampa, we feel that it was too big a sacrifice and an unnecessary one. You could have found a way to fend off the Kazon, use the Technology and then destroy it afterwards. It is the judgment of this court that you are unfit for Command and are hereby relieved of your captaincy._

_Based on your actions during your 65 yrs in the Delta quadrant, this court finds you guilty of violating the Prime directive 137 times and based on the inconsistency of your decisions, we have no choice but to ask you to resign your commission._

_You are now an ordinary Federation Citizen Ms Janeway….._

_You have been relieved. And it is a relief for all of us to see you go._

As her eyes opened Kathryn was not startled, indeed she had this dream many times before and knew that she will have it many times again. The tears did not even fall this time. Kathryn was resigned to her fate. As far as she was concerned she deserved to have this dream plague her because it was all true. She had failed. She had failed her crew and she had failed herself, in one fail swoop with one decision she had undermined everything that she had worked for and in the decisions that followed she had violated the most sacred tenants of Starfleet Philosophy. With one word

_The tri-cobalt devices are ready, Captain_

_We're in Position_

_**Fire**_

She had fired. She fired on the hopes and dreams of many of her Original Starfleet Crew members. She had fired and had hit the former Maquis crew members as they had to find out via mail that their cause was lost, that they were too far away to join in or even stand and die with their colleagues. And she had fired on the Federation. Maybe her ship and her crew could have done what the entire Federation was not able to do, stop a war. But she had given that command and had removed herself away from the greatest challenge that the Federation faced. She had fired on them from 70,000 light years away and had destroyed them.

Why even bother getting up.

The little voice that was there for the past two weeks coaxing her to get out of bed deserted her, so Kathryn laid there. Thinking, not because she wanted to, but because she couldn't stop thinking as she had done in the past. There were no distractions, no conflict, no life and death struggle to put her in the Captain's mode and to stop her form thinking all there was, was darkness. Not just darkness, but blackness. There was nothing out there. There was nothing in here, in Voyager because the Captain had doomed them to this.

Kathryn turned. With no caffeine in her system, she went right back to sleep.

* * *

How it seemed like that in the beginning. A vacation, a long awaited period where there would be no conflict and no contact. Just time to work on their systems, and time to themselves, to re-group and rejuvenate. But it had gone past that. It was now just a time to grit their teeth and get through this region of space without loosing their minds from the frustration and the routine.

Was it possible that there were no stars, no planets, nothing outside of his viewport? It was, the color black, seemingly painted on the transparent bulkhead. The absence of light and it seemed, to be the absence of life with it. It seemed to Chakotay that the crew of Voyager was putting out the only energy in this whole region and trying to infuse life into it. No wonder they were burnt out.

He sighed. It was deep.

The crew wanted their Captain, in fact they _needed_ her at this time. Neelix was correct, they needed to see her, but not only to see that she was happy, but also to see her hope coming through even the in midst of this void. Kathryn knew it and because she couldn't show it, she didn't show herself. At this time, he had doubts as to which course of action would be more harmful to the crew

He looked at the PADD in his hands. Instructions from the Captain:

_Nothing is happening, so I will not be reporting to the Bridge for Duty shifts. Let me know if something changes, if anything changes. I'll be in my quarters._

Two weeks ago received those instructions. When B'Elanna had asked and the whole senior staff had joined in wanting to know what was happening, he snapped and used word for word what the Captain had told him. He immediately regretted it, but Chakotay was angry with Kathryn for leaving him holding the bag having to deal with the crew's cabin fever.

The captain did not show herself to the crew even once during those two weeks. She was even conserving replicator rations so that she didn't have to eat in the Messhall. She must have given up coffee that was the only way she could afford to use rations for every meal. Which meant that she wasn't doing anything. Last week, he had checked the replicator logs to ensure that she was eating. She was. Not regularly and nothing constituting a balanced meal, but she was eating.

He couldn't reach her and if he were to be a bit honest, his efforts were half hearted.. All of his energies were put into trying to keep some semblance of command going on Voyager. For the sake of the crew. So after the last brush off, he left her to her own devices. She was the Captain, able, capable and formidable. She could take care of herself. Right now he had 152 other people to worry about.

Those thoughts faded when he entered into Kathryn's quarters to give his report about the radiation that they picked up. The anger had dissipated a week ago, he had to admit, he could never stay angry with Kathryn for long. But the worry was back, it took five minutes for Kathryn to answer door and when she did, she looked as if she had hastily gotten dressed to let him in. At least she was speaking to him. It was a far cry than the last official conversation they had. But just as the Ready Room was a sign of what was going on with her, so too were her quarters. The darkness struck him immediately and he realized how dark it was with only one light was burning. Kathryn was hiding in the shadows of that light.

And her manner, quiet and dead, just like B'Elanna's that morning in the meeting room when he snapped at her. Until she started to talk about how they got stranded here. Then she showed some emotion, but still it gave him cause for concern because he had never heard her talk like that. But he now understood what was going on, she was punishing herself and she was doing a good job of it. The guilt of stranding the crew had enveloped her and she was sitting in the dark, living within the void of her soul. She was teetering on the Abyss. He knew it well, he had experienced it in himself, and he had dealt with it in Neelix and Harry. He needed to reach her before she tipped over and he had a good idea who would be able to help him in that endeavor.

But it seemed that the Delta Quadrant had it's own ideas as one by one the lights went out. As he used the manual override to open his doors he had the fleeting thought that with the Captain in the void of her own soul, the darkness, the night the void that was all-round Voyager for 53 days had finally entered and enveloped them all.

* * *

Kathryn sat in her chair not bothering to take off her clothes and go back to bed, she just stared at the black of her viewport. She tried to impart to Chakotay what was happening to her, as if he could save her from herself, but when she heard him giving the same answers that she had given to herself, he realized how hollow it must have sounded to him and she chased him away before he could realize it. It was all for the best.

In her heart, Kathryn had hoped that he would have argued a little more than he did, but her mind told her that she was lucky enough that he stood by her side as long as he had. Nobody had saved her crew from her, why should she expect one of them to save her from herself?

Her mind, her heart and her soul was as void as outside. Figuratively, the blackness on the outside had seeped in and taken up residence in her. It had happened gradually over the last 53 days. If she wanted to be honest with herself, she could say that the darkness had always been there, inside of her, struggling to be heard since she had stranded them in this Quadrant. It had began to come to the fore front about three weeks after entry into this void and it had taken over two weeks ago . It was only when the void literally came in the ship as evidenced by the lights going out one by one, did Kathryn begin to feel the darkness recede just a little…..enough for her to become once again…..

_Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager

* * *

_

They were up and about, they were working again together side by side, but something in Chakotay's gut knew that it was not over. Maybe it was because of the parallels he was seeing between the Ocampa and the creatures who inhabited the Void as well as the Kazon and the Malon. Maybe it was the way that Kathryn was forcing herself into her role again. It wasn't as natural as it once was. This was a woman with something to prove, with something to make up for and he knew that when she was in this state of mind, Kathryn was the most dangerous to herself.

He took the time out to talk with Tuvok, to call the bridge crew together to explain to them. He didn't give them too many details, but he had to tell them. It was possible, that she could make them face court martial charges if they did what he wanted them to do when she dropped her bombshell on them. Chakotay knew that she would. The conversation in her quarters told him as much.

Chakotay called the bridge crew's attention to the behavior of the Captain and he reminded them of Neelix's contribution at the briefing. He explained to them that being in command meant that you knew that the crew looked to you to set example in the way that you dealt with situations. He knew for himself that when he was doubtful himself about their ability to get home, it was on the Captain's faith that he drew strength. Chakotay encouraged them to think about where the Captain's faith in their getting home came from and to realize that it was not something with an in-exhaustible supply. Right now the Captain is feeling guilty for stranding them in the Delta Quadrant and may possibly order them to facilitate an action that would allow her to make up for it, by punishing herself and possibly stranding herself her in order to save the Void inhabitants from the Malon.

B'Elanna spoke for everyone before he could even ask. They would disobey any and all orders that would result in her injury or being stranded in the void. She looked pointedly at Tuvok when she said so. She need not have, Chakotay had already spoken to him. Tuvok was on his side. He knew that he would be. They were of different temperament, he and the Vulcan, but the one thing that they had in common was that they were devoted to Kathryn, their Captain and their best friend. For him, she was his best friend ever, and for Tuvok, his best friend on this ship. The risk was worth it. They would never make it without the Captain, especially if she died trying to make it up to them for stranding them here.

If only Kathryn could have seen them, how fast they rallied around her. Then she would understand. Perhaps when this was over he would make her understand. They could not bear to lose her and neither could he. The rest of the Bridge Crew didn't realize that it was not only physically that they had to worry about losing the Captain. Only he and Tuvok knew how far gone the Captain really was. What he was proposing was a start, but he didn't know how good it would be. He didn't know if Kathryn would accept it or not. Not in terms of his alternate plan, he knew that she would accept it once she heard it, but he didn't know if she would hear it, or if their little intervention would have to result in mutiny.

Some fine First Officer he was turning out to be. He didn't care if his actions did result in mutiny, he was going to do it anyway. Then again , it was the job of all First Officers to ensure the safety of their Captain, even if the danger they were facing was from within. As they were awaiting the Captain to join them on the bridge, he stared at the viewscreen and if he didn't know better , it seemed to him that the void was a little lighter. Perhaps it was because he knew that the Malon and the Aliens who inhabited the void were out there. Or maybe it was something simpler than that. ……

maybe it was the knowledge even after the darkest

Night Ends………

There is always...


	4. Chapter 4

**iv: Dawn**

It was the first good night that she had in 55 days, but she was a little nervous as she was dressing for work. It seemed strange to be grooming, after two weeks of not doing anything but the barest minimum. There were new sensor readings to analyze as new phenomena had made themselves known. Supplies had to be obtained, contact with new species had to be made and normal life in space had to be resumed. But what Kathryn had been through was not normal and now that the danger had passed, if she were truthful to herself, she would admit she was a bit scared as well as being relieved at the task ahead. She had to face what she had done and what had happened to her in the Void, but in the midst of work. She was grateful that the crew had gotten her started by rallying behind her and reminding her of how much she meant to them, but they didn't know how much of the real work had to begin. Only two people knew.

As soon as they had come out of the Vortex, Chakotay had asked for the next two days off. Kathryn felt a little guilty as she gave it to him. She had left him to deal with the crew's frustration of being in the void, all by himself. She wanted to start making it up to him and that was the least that she could do. She had spent the rest of the time cleaning her Ready Room and was pleasantly surprised when Tuvok had come at the end of her Duty shift and reminded her of a Holodeck program they were supposed to try together a year ago, but never got around to. Tuscany, France and a bottle of wine. She had enjoyed it. They talked about some things but mostly they sat in silence enjoying the view. Kathryn knew that he had asked her because he wanted to help her acclimate to life back as the Captain again, as Kathryn again and she was grateful for this.

Facing Chakotay was not something she was looking forward to. She didn't want to talk about what had happened, and she had already told him that she didn't report the incident on the bridge in her official logs. She was embarrassed. What happened should not have happened to her again. She thought that she was beyond that having dealt with it a long time ago. She had to accept that it happened again and rethink what had been so off kilter that she had spiraled down. Kathryn knew that she wanted to do this alone; journaling, painting, doing needle point thinking and expressing herself. Maybe later she would be able to talk about it. She felt bad about having to shut Chakotay out again, but before it was pushing him away, now, it would re-grouping and taking care of herself.

When she got into her Ready Room she noticed something on the coffee table. Kathryn got closer as her curiosity getting the best of her. Her heart melted when she saw what it was. There was a single yellow rose in a vase and a gift wrapped in a box. Carefully she opened the box and took out a chronometer it was silver and was of antique design. As she looked it over she mused

_It's was exquisite, but why would Chakotay give me such a gift?_

Then she spied a piece of paper on which was a hand written note:

_This is a replica of the chronometer was worn by Captain Cray of the British navy. His ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific. Everyone back in England thought they were killed but eight months later, Cray sailed his ship into the London Harbor. There wasn't much left of his ship….a few planks, half a sail….but he got his crew home. And I believe with all my **heart** that you will get us home. I give you this as a symbol of that belief and my commitment to that goal._

Kathryn looked at the watch for a long time, tears streaming down her face.

It was only when she got up to put the watch on her desk and dispose of the wrapping she noticed a book at the bottom of the parcel. It was small, as big as a small PADD. There were the preserved petals of a yellow rose that comprised the cover and at the bottom right hand corner, a marking. One that she had seen almost every day in the last four years…..

On the face of her best friend and First Officer……..

She opened the book and began to read:

_Kathryn:_

_I am writing this to you, because I want you to have this to draw from, whenever you need to. It is from all of me to all of you, written on paper because that takes effort and it is personal as it leaves no computer record; bound because as a book, that I hope it will be treasured by you as you are treasured by me._

_Two days ago, I almost lost you to the void, not the Void of that desolate region of space, but the void of spirit as you stood on the brink of your own personal abyss. Please don't be shocked that I write this, Remember, I know you very well, as you know me very well. I also know what it is like to stand on that brink, and I've seen people stand on it. I don't know if I have ever named mine, but if I were to name your abyss would be "Failure in Voyager's first mission" What was Voyager's first mission? To get your crew home in a timely basis. If we reached home tomorrow, I believe that you would still think you failed. We would have made a 75 year journey in four years and you would still look at it as failure. _

_I still say to you that our mission is, and will be a success. We may not have planned it, but we are still the first Starfleet Vessel to explore the Delta Quadrant. When we make it back home, we will take our rightful place in Federation History. We have left our mark on this Quadrant and have shown them the best that the Federation has to offer. What does it say about us that after our very first encounter with species in the Delta Quadrant two people were so impressed by who we are and what we stand for, that they joined us in our journey? _

_Our excursion into the Delta Quadrant was by someone else's design, but that did not stop us from making this journey our own. We may not have been able to do all that we wanted to do, and we may have not been able to reach all the people that we wanted to. But we didn't need to. It is enough that we did what we could when we could because by the Great Design, it was for us to do. The Think Tank cured the Vidiian Phage; that was not for us to do, but rescuing Seven of Nine from the Borg was. Saving Artemous people from the Borg was not for us to do, but saving species 8472 from them, was. _

_The words that I used, "Our mission was a complete success" seem hollow to you because you only see it in one light; the light of the mistake that you made four years ago. An error in judgment that all of us are paying for now. How are we paying for it Kathryn? By being out of touch with our families and friends for four years? Our ransom has been paid; our friends and loved ones know that we are alive and well and journeying home. Can we make up for the years lost when we reach home? No, they are lost and we have lost much in this journey, but we have also gained a lot more._

_We have gained our lives._

_Had you not made that shortsighted and selfish decision four years ago, twenty-five members of your crew would either be in jail or dead at this point in time. Maybe you may not have cared so much since you would not have gotten to know us as well as you do now. But there is one thing that you would have cared about; the amount of your comrades in arms falling now because of the Federation being at war. Maybe instead of losing 10 crew members in four years, you would have lost your whole ship in one battle. You don't know. The Alpha Quadrant looks better because we are far away. When we get back, look at the time that we were lost a little more objectively and you may see something else._

_We may have gained not only our lives, but ourselves. _

_Remember how green Harry was when he first came on board? He has grown up faster than he ever would back home. There is something about this Quadrant; or maybe it's because we're the only Federation citizens out here; it's like a forge. It refines and shapes. Who would have ever thought that he would have made such a good friend in Tom Paris? Do you think that if he was in the Alpha Quadrant, he would have been able to keep it together during something as terrifying as the Hirogen occupation of Voyager?_

_And what about Tom Paris? How I hated him, when I first came on board. I thought I knew everything about him. He was a sell out and a mercenary. It didn't sit well with me that I was going to be serving under a woman who had sprung him from prison in order to give him a second chance. And now he has earned his place as a responsible officer on this ship, he has earned the love of a good woman, and earned his place in the history books, not only because one Captain gave him a chance, but because the Delta Quadrant was there for him to excel in._

_I've known B'Elanna longer than you have and compared to who she is now, what she was then, is a pale reflection. A misfit, that's the way she saw herself and that's the way that she acted. She is one of the greatest engineers that I have ever met, and yet she never made it through the Academy. She threw herself out believing that she was not good enough. Here in the Delta Quadrant, she is the Chief Engineer on an Intrepid Class Starship. It is where she belongs. She deserved so much more than she got out of life and now thanks to the Delta Quadrant, she has gotten it._

_We accepted a war deserter and a junk dealer into our fold and through journeying with us, he has become our Morale Officer and our ambassador for the Federation. Our Vulcan Tactical Officer, who had to be dragged two years ago to a party in his uniform, can now give the opening speech for the Prixin celebrations and mingle. All because of the experiences of this Quadrant_

_We have even helped people evolve. Seven of Nine is human now, thanks to you, single-handedly, in this Quadrant. You would have never been able to do what you did if the events of the Borg/8472 conflict had occurred in the Alpha Quadrant. The Doctor has out gown his original programming, and while we can still argue if he is sentient or not, we can no longer treat him like a hyperspanner or a replicator. He is now a lot more than an artificial construct. Kes has evolved to a higher plane of existence. A being who had never seen the sun in her life went from seeing it, to living in space to evolving in three short years all because she was part of our journey._

_And then there is your First Officer, the man who swore he would always be at your side. If you had known him, before, outside of the Delta Quadrant, even as a Starfleet Officer, you would have never been best friends with him, even if he had served under you. You know about what had happened to him, how he was always thought of as a contrary by his Tribe, how he could find no peace in the ways of his Tribe and in the ways of Starfleet. Caught between two worlds until he swore to stand at your side and in that way began to know the true meaning of peace. You know of the instances when that peace seemed to have deserted him, but what you may not know is what he learnt when he reached out to get that peace again. _

_He learned that the peace that he had gained ran deeper than the outer manifestation of it. He learned that the absence of strife was not the only sign of peace, but that the **soul knowledge** that all is as it should be even in the midst of the greatest upheaval, was the truest sign of peace there was._

_For me, it's not so much because of the Captain, but because of my best friend, that I feel that I've grown journeying home. Before, I was closed. Being a contrary not fitting in, meant that I depended only on myself. If I did reach out to another to support, I did it with minimum involvement of myself, putting another needs first only if it didn't clash with mine. Here in the Delta Quadrant with you as my Captain, it is totally different. I can't explain it, maybe it's because I had the reconciliation with my Father in the Spirit Quest before I got stranded here, maybe it's because of who you are Captain, because of your faith in us and in yourself in getting this crew home, maybe it's because I finally am no longer caught between two worlds. I don't to even try to understand it, I just accept the gift that has been given to me. I reached out and supported you with all that I am and I found that instead of losing myself as I had been so afraid of, I found myself. And not just the First Officer, nor the Maquis Commander or even Chakotay, but something more. Something is happening to me spiritually, making me into what I need to be. I don't know what it is yet, but I **know** that's what's happening to me is as it should be. _

_We have not gained so much only because we are stuck in the Delta Quadrant due shortsighted and selfish decision four years ago, but because we follow a Captain who will stop at nothing to get us home. That goal is always there before her, guiding ever every choice, and the crew believes in her when they can't believe in themselves. Because she **knows** that she will get them home, they believe they will at all times. It is because she has given them hope and courage during all the times when theirs wavered, the one time when the Captain, needed it, they were able to be there for her, and nothing gave them a greater satisfaction than doing so._

_The Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager has also grown in our journey throughout this Quadrant._

_I've watch my best friend go from being someone who was rigid in her command style and comfortable with a large distance between herself and her crew, to someone who has allowed the members of he crew come close to her as she mentors them and guides them through this quadrant. I have watched her go from stick adherence to protocols in all situations right or wrong, to embracing the grayer areas of all situations and making decisions based on fairness and necessity ready to face all consequences of ensuring her crew's safety. _

_I've noticed that while we are a ship filled with Starfleet Officers during battle, we are a Federation Community in the quiet times of our journey. When we first stared all we were, was a lost Starfleet crew, now we are a true family. I've been with the Captain through a lot of celebrations; I've seen her enter them with joy filled abandon. There've been occasions of great sorrow through the years. I have been with her as she's wept silent tears for the ones who have given their all in this Quadrant, that we might be safe to journey another day. We've been there for all members of our community ensuring their safety. To ease the burden of command, we've been there for each other._

_My best friend and I have journeyed together, giving each other support, sometimes silent, sometimes symbolic, and sometimes vocal. We have journeyed apart, hurting each other as only we can because we are the only ones who know the extent of our individual wounded-ness. We have made mistakes, and we have tried our best to correct them to do right by the crew and by ourselves._

_As she starts now, her own personal journey away from her Abyss, I write these words to her. _

_Kathryn I write these words because I don't know if I will ever have the eloquence to say them to you face to face, but I don't want that to prevent me from never saying what I want to say. I write these words so that whatever you are facing privately, and are not able to share it with me in the upcoming days, you will know that I am thinking of you and holding you in my soul. I write these words so that whenever you need to, you can read this and know that as I have promised you, I am with you._

**_Always_**

When she finished reading, Kathryn carefully put the book down on the table and allowed the tears to fall as she smiled through them.

She needn't have worried.

When she was finished, she notified Tuvok that he had the bridge and left her ready room and made her way to the Turbolift not caring that her eyes were red and that the crew would probably see that she had been crying.

* * *

"Come" Chakotay called when he heard the chime, he was busy working on an etching that he had started when they were in the Void. The footfalls were sure and swift, so Chakotay knew who it was but he was still surprised when he looked up and saw a red-eyed Captain.

"Kathryn" He stood up concerned, and he went to her. She held up her hand when he approached her personal space and for a moment he panicked. He was so sure that she would have appreciated the gift that he left for her, but she looked like hell. Her eyes were closed and the tears were rolling down her face like a river. After a time she opened her eyes and she did something that told him that everything was OK.

With one hand, she took his. He let her fingers intertwine his. His eyes did not leave her as she touched him and when she was finished, she said very quietly through her tears

"Thank you Chakotay, it is a gift that I will always treasure." Her voice was sure and steady, he always marveled at her ability to sound that way, as it was obvious to him that she wasn't.

He smiled, it was large and something that she had not seen in ages. He took his hand and cradled her cheek. She leaned into it as he said….

"Anytime." Then he removed his hand from her face, but he still held on to her hand. With her free hand, Kathryn did something that she had never done before, she traced his tattoo slowly softly while his gaze never left her face. Then she lowered her gaze and met his eyes and searched them deeply as if trying to find out something. Chakotay's gaze didn't waver, whatever it was that she needed to see in him, he would show her. After a time, Kathryn said….

"I need to get back to duty, someone has to be in command of this ship."

The smile still played on his lips. "Have a good day Kathryn"

She nodded and turned to leave. He settled back into his seat, but Kathryn came back to him and asked.

"Do you still have those Holodeck rations? I think there's a Velocity trashing with your name on it"

"Hah! Famous last words…..you're on!" He shook the carving knife at her. She giggled as she left the room.

He continued his carving in peace.

_**All was as it should be**_

The Night had ended

**It was day**

The End

**Part 12: Disengaged**


End file.
